Realizations

The alarm sounds.  Incessantly and Insistently.

The emergency of life

 

Why even wake? Again and Again

A pointless exercise.

 

"Sometimes I feel..." - Afflicts us All

The human condition

 

My minds tide , Rises and Falls

It washes you away.

 

My moods affect those who are around me; I affect the moods of you who intercept me.

I must control that which needs controlling;  So obvious, it needs no extolling.

Grasp this smelly beast by its horns and wrench;  Release all that's rank ,rid yourself this stench

Then you will find the happiness you seek; So obvious , demands no great technique.

 

 

Key

3 words x2 similar

6 syllables definition

Conclusion -  a a b b Pentameter

Repetition of words / themes / alliteration

 

 

 

Dream

The unpassable river rushes below a torched and decimated bridge 
I see you on the opposite bank , moonlit , your beaming face smiles.
As my shadow points your new direction , you turn and walk away.
I yell and scream but the sound is whisked away downstream.
Hopping and flailing impotently , I helplessly beg for your attention.
A moment of crazed frenzy convinces me to jump into the rapids.
The searing chill swiftly cures my mania. Scared sober,
I swim for all I'm worth , my arms and legs burning
This lactic acid bath invades my brain and soothes its will
The turbulence overtakes me and im drawn away to the unknown
A dead dove floats past me , eyes black and empty
Drifting away , my purpose lost to the side I will not reach ,
I release myself to the numbing current and the deep black.
Soundlessly, I succumb , slipping beneath the waves silently.

I Mourn

I mourn the memories in my head , I mourn the love that now is dead
I mourn for all the could have beens , I mourn all the unfulfilled dreams
I mourn my pillar that crumbled away , I mourn the words I didn't say
I mourn the past that didn't last , I mourn our tomorrow that won't pass

There is no word strong enough to express my grief
There is no meter soft enough to provide relief
There is no rhyme clever enough to make you believe
There is no amount of words that aren't too brief

I was always afraid to feel
Now I feel so acutely , I'm tearing apart with it. 
I feel it in waves and it drowns me in its sorrow
My tears aren't hot enough to express my grief
Should my skin boil and sear , I would feel relief

This sadness weighs me down
this mail of anguish sags my shoulders
Tennysons` crown of sorrow is no solace
Memories of joyous days only increases my misery



The warm flood of loving remembrances,
Those moments of ecstatic sharing's ; There are no words tender enough to describe. 
I mourn the time that passed away
Uneventfully
Unappreciated
Its in these mundane moments that we live and love

This is my final tribute , my last goodbye and I feel it so intensely
It makes all my perceived pains and woes of my past , so insignificant.
The small everyday trials , that once engrossed me
are swept aside like soft ash



My common sufferers !! We bond together !
There is no agent of joy that can bind so strongly. I call to you!
Love is as timeless as it is transient
and no ones grief is as great as ones own.
But we all love and we all grieve together.

The healing balm of time is an exhausting and tedious relief
yet time may eventually dull the edges of this sharp pain
But I do not long for complete comfort , it is in this feeling that I feel most alive
I may weep and sob
I may wail and ache
But I Mourn and I Live !

Xmas is over.

Ran/walked 4 miles both yesterday and today.  Saw my dad and sis yesterday and saw charlie and fran on xmas eve ; They bought me an ipod touch :-)
Those were the highlights of what was otherwise the saddest and loneliest christmas of my life.
I survived it , and felt great running this am , thru bolton notch , with its icicle filled rock on either side of me, while the snow fell , creating a white path and outlining the naked branches. 

I was considering shutting down the kasualkafe site and blog and starting a new one for .2011 but decided against it.  I will not shy away from the past just because it temporarily causes pain.  I will eventually remember this chapter of my life as a wonderful period where I experienced so much of life, and shared this , as well as an intense love, with a wonderful woman. This type of love may not have been meant to last forever , but I will not regret. 

Happiness continued

Disparate lives , making their way , wary and unsure through an ever-changing and unstable environment. Behind our facade is desperate clinging and violent flailing in self defense against the myriad of attacks , both physical and emotional , that this world is made of. We wear our masks and sloth through.
Our protections are imaginary and easily pierced. Our pain is palpable and our ignorance is omnipresent.

Happiness

Happiness is something we always strive for yet most of us find it difficult to obtain. We tend to find ourselves frustrated , short tempered , difficult to deal with , depressed , fall into fits of laziness etc , irritated at minor inconveniences , always in a hurry , harried about all the millions things that need doing , everything is an emergency etc;

I am extremely guilty of all of the above , over the last few years (probably most of my life actually) I find myself intensely frustrated with everything and anything. I rarely feel Happy and always seem to be on the verge of deep depression.

Well , I have found many of my issues , really just a state of mind. Yes , I and We , all deal with some real crappy situations on occasion , but most of us find our state of unhappiness because of overreactions by our own mind. This list remains true for most of us. This list is not necessarily for someone that has experienced Tragedy (seek professional help or groups for the serious stuff that life can hand us) but is for the day to day difficulties , irritations , fears , confrontations etc; We are not alone , all humanity has experienced trials , We can get through it with positive thinking and training of the mind.

More to come in future but here is a quick list to refer to on occasion when you find yourself unnecessarily angry , frustrated or depressed.

Make peace with imperfection
Be aware of the snowball effect of your thinking and catch yourself and Let it Go
When U Die , there will still be things and stuff that needs doing
Don`t interrupt or finish sentences , Practice Listening
Do something nice - selflessly - Don`t tell anyone
Present Moment Awareness - be aware of the small moments that are happening RIGHT NOW
Don`t need to be right - Let others be right on occasion
Practice Patience
Love- Show love - Feel Love - Give Love
Life isn`t fair ...so what ...Move on
Remember how Good you really have it , Not everyone is as lucky
Allow yourself to be bored
Mind your business , Someone elses stress , gossip , or deal is not your problem
Excercise , Meditate , Stretch , Gym , Pilates , Yoga , Walk
Become an early riser - Instead of rushing around like a maniac as soon as you get up to zip to work - Get up a little earlier ; Create :MY TIME
This too shall pass- Will it matter in a year ? Will it matter in a hundred
Be Grateful when feeling Good , and Graceful when feeling down
Volunteer - Do good for others - Be good and Loving
See the extraordinary in the ordinary - see the wonder of life
Look for the positive , ignore the negative
Life is not an emergency
Don`t always need to catch the ball - There is always someone trying to get you to catch their ball - its o.k not to have to on occasion , be helpful when you want to - You`ll be more effective
Don`t judge others or keep score - Accept people for who they are , and what they do or don`t do
Stop complaining , it will come true - If you practice unhappiness it will become habit
Write a heartfelt letters to a friend , lover , family member - or simply drop a line
Remember , any pain you feel has been felt before by a fellow human , its not just yours
Money is not Happiness , the lack of it is not Unhappiness- Want what you have and Be grateful for it
Organize - I`m a big believer of lists as long as you know the list Will Never End , there will always be something to do , don`t let it stress you , let it energize you
List all the To-do`s , Want to-do`s , goals , objectives etc; and Start Nailin em

The President wrote to me

Dear Kevin,

Tonight marks the end of the American combat mission in Iraq.

As a candidate for this office, I pledged to end this war responsibly. And, as President, that is what I am doing.

Since I became Commander-in-Chief, we've brought home nearly 100,000 U.S. troops. We've closed or turned over to Iraq hundreds of our bases.

As Operation Iraqi Freedom ends, our commitment to a sovereign, stable, and self-reliant Iraq continues. Under Operation New Dawn, a transitional force of U.S. troops will remain to advise and assist Iraqi forces, protect our civilians on the ground, and pursue targeted counterterrorism efforts.

By the end of next year, consistent with our agreement with the Iraqi government, these men and women, too, will come home.

Ending this war is not only in Iraq's interest -- it is in our own. Our nation has paid a huge price to put Iraq's future in the hands of its people. We have sent our men and women in uniform to make enormous sacrifices. We have spent vast resources abroad in the face of several years of recession at home.

We have met our responsibility through the courage and resolve of our women and men in uniform.

In seven years, they confronted a mission as challenging and as complex as any our military has ever been asked to face.

Nearly 1.5 million Americans put their lives on the line. Many returned for multiple tours of duty, far from their loved ones who bore a heroic burden of their own. And most painfully, more than 4,400 Americans have given their lives, fighting for people they never knew, for values that have defined our people for more than two centuries.

What their country asked of them was not small. And what they sacrificed was not easy.

For that, each and every American owes them our heartfelt thanks.

Our promise to them -- to each woman or man who has donned our colors -- is that our country will serve them as faithfully as they have served us. We have already made the largest increase in funding for veterans in decades. So long as I am President, I will do whatever it takes to fulfill that sacred trust.

Tonight, we mark a milestone in our nation's history. Even at a time of great uncertainty for so many Americans, this day and our brave troops remind us that our future is in our own hands and that our best days lie ahead.

Thank you,

President Barack Obama

The Miser and his Gold

      The shovel cuts through the dirt like a knife through a breast plate.  Repeatedly hacking at a rough patch of ground is a gaunt , gnarled fellow. The wispy strands of hair on his head are drenched as he savagely attacks a widening dirt hole at the base of a large tree.  Sweat rolls between his close knit eyes and off his bulbous nose.  Swearing,  he raises his stringy-muscled arms and stabs the shovel downward,  with great force,  into the pit. The natural blood of the earth spills over the sides of the deep hole. I must see it.  I cant stop thinking about my precious treasure. His eyes light up at the first glimpse of his hidden prize. I cannot get through the long week without thinking of this moment , when I count my gold. His lips curl into a leering smile that bares his teeth as he huddles over his hoard , fingering , grasping and clutching each piece of gold coin and muttering to himself. A few moments later , he whips his head around viciously, side to side , peering out into the dark night with suspicious eyes.  He quickly re-buries the treasure , tamping down the loose earth , and covers the area with leaves and brush. No one will ever know about my treasure ! It is mine ....mine .... mine! He giggles maniacally as he scampers away.

       A long,  sweet release of breath , from a man who was crouching behind some bushes nearby. Why does he bury this so?  Why would he hide this wonderful gift in a grave?  He could buy a house , or feast like a king.   If he is philanthropic , he could buy someone else a house or feed a family for years.  He doesn't deserve this money for he does not appreciate its value.  He doesn't realize that money is not an end in and of itself. It is a means to an end.  I saw his thin , skeletal figure. He is starving himself in the midst of plenty ; I am hungry too , but without such potential means. This crazy man does not possess wealth , it possesses him. One so anxious , cannot be free.  I can free him of his golden shackles. Quickly , he runs over to the tree , removes the impeding brush , and franticly claws at the dirt  until he reaches the gold.  He fills his deep pockets with gold and runs off.

       The next week , the crazy man returns to his golden hole , repeating his ceremony.  When he finds the hole empty,  he tears at his hair , gnashes his teeth and wails in misery.  This commotion invites the townsfolk to gather around him in curiosity.  He screams , " Who stole my gold ! Who took my precious treasure !"

One of the townsfolk replies incredulously , "You buried your money ??"

      The crazy man screams ,"Yes, and it is all gone now , someone has stolen my reason to live , robbed me of my very life"

A townsman in the crowd yells , " What were you going to do with the gold?  Buy a house or other useful things ?"

       "No!" , wails the miserable man , "Nothing could bring me the same pleasure my gold"

A young boy of the town replies , "Why then , you could simply fill it with fools gold and it will all be the same"

"Yes , and your malignant and impotent greed can still be yours" exclaimed one of the increasingly agitated townsfolk.  Overheard in the crowd were exclamations of , "What folly ,  to covet that which he

renders purposeless."

      By now , the ugly man is in an absolute frenzy. He stomps the ground with great force , one leg , then the other , and then again the other , until he stomped right through the earth to his waist.  In a rage , he grabs his other leg with his knotted hands and yanks so hard he wrenches himself in two.

      At the funeral , there were a handful of folk and a preacher.  The preacher, upon finishing a reading of Ecclesiastes 5:8-18 , addresses the small crowd and the simple casket. "No man is born a miser since no man is born with possessions.  The desire to possess is a learned lesson , improperly taught by those that feel that money is the aim of ones life.  This man died , twisted in these beliefs.  The worth of a life cannot be measured by money.  The two are not commensurate.  Money has no value , except that which we give it, and only that with which it can be exchanged for.  Life has a value , an intrinsic value, just by its existence.

Beauty and The Devil

"The boast of a man may undo me , and break that charm wished upon me , mortally and permanently. My father , that adoring fool , in his overreaching affection , has boasted to the king, 'her youth and beauty is so great , that her tears alone can restore vigor and health ; It can recapture lost youth upon their drinking.' I can only hope that the King is not a worse fool for believing it."
Sitting upon the edge of her bed , she absentmindedly brushes out her long locks , pondering at the mirror.
Youth - so backwards a beginning , wasted on the young and deprived of the old. The energy of flaming youth , struggling to make its way through this muddled existence, is dissipated squanderously through naive choices . Its potential lost in the depths of wisdom , drowning because of its inept floundering. Despite this , the old , regret its recession - so deeply , yearn to recapture it- so wistfully , that they romanticize and over-value its measure. But this is only because we imbue it with the wisdom and knowledge we have gained. No one , truly , wants to toss this aside and revert , experienceless , intellectually regressed, to the mind of the young. We don't wish it for its sole sake ; we wish it upon our current selves , with all the gifts that time has afforded us.
I look upon myself , imagining my fading flower and my sober spirit , in a future age ; If I have no regrets , if my mind is sharp , I see no obstacle in this fixed course that nature sets before us - in fact I embrace it. I will not look back ,because its usually filled with sorrow and second-guesses ; I will not look so far forward, as that could cause worry and anxiety. We must embrace the here and the now , presently , for one cannot affect the past , we can only change its effect on the future.
The next day , to her shock , the Kings men came for her. They brought her to the castle and locked her up , high in the tower. "You shall shed your tears of youth into this urn. If they do not produce the result your father promised , you both shall die."
She cries and cries , capturing some in the urn.

....Continued at Kasual Kafe - Beauty

blah blah blah

I don`t feel like I have much to say , but its been a few weeks since I updated.  I spent some time with my boy Matt , which is cool , we went out in hartford one night and threw some down and I surprised him that next weekend by camping in Maine , close to where he was staying.  Lori and I took a three day weekend; we got to meet Matt`s girl , she`s cool and I`m happy for him. We Did the beach thing , no waves but got some color and did a lot of walking along the water.
  Lori and I made an after work meetup hike earlier in the week , and that was cool.  Hiked a spot we have never been with some good people.  Plan on doing some more of that while daylight lasts.
  What else is going on ..... well .... I forgot to mention the beautiful thunderstorms we drove home from Maine in , well it started off beautiful, with the reddish brown sky and lightning streaking across the sky ...it was cool up until we drove into the torrential downpour that included hail stones.  Traffic dropped like 40 mph as it was nearly impossible to see unless you are a trucker.  They happily drove me out of the middle lane,  into the left , by flying up at 70 mph ,  buffeting me with road water and air pressure ;  I gripped the steering wheel like it was a helicopter`s ladder swinging me a few hundred feet in the air and tried to act like it was no big deal for Lori.  Actually , at one point , I was cursing my bloody head off because a truck didn`t allow me to zip over into a rest stop ; this may have alerted Lori to my distress.
  But again , we had a great time in Maine,  we walked the scenic marginal way in Ogunquitt , which is just a beautful cliff walk along the rocky shore of Maine.
  We saw Jack Johnson the weekend prior. It was a good , relaxed show , as we expected.  I liked it despite it being a bit jammier than I thought it would be.
Thats all I got.

Hiking after work in 95 + degree heat -

 Went to my second meetup.com hiking group event.  Lori and I have been members for quite a bit , but during the winter and spring , the majority of the hikes were on weekends , and we usually have something going on.  But now that the days are longer , there have been a few after work hikes , and tonights was right around the corner from me at Case Mountain (Spring St) -
  The heat really wasn`t that bad come 6pm in the shady woods , I did sweat like a beast as I did more than the 4 mile or so hike.  I was chosen to find some lost stragglers , who apparently took a wrong turn.  I RAN , down that same wrong turn ,  after like 1/2 mile realized I probably screwed up , ran all the way back up , and then down the appropriate path.  I then ran up the main carriage path and found my lost compatriots.  A fair amount of time had passed with all the extra trail running I performed , so I left these two and sprinted up god knows how far to the yellow trail intersection where the rest of the group awaited My/Our return.  Yes. I`m a Hero!
  Anyway , even with that , I felt great , met a few cool people and entertained myself during the week after work which has been something I`ve been working on.  Lori and I are weekend warriors but can get into a rut during the week.  Come summer at least , I like to stay active during weeknights.  Lori couldn`t make the trip coz she was gettin` her hair did.  - Unfortunately our hair dresser forgot / got called into other job / or something like that , so Loris hair is not did at all.
  Meetup is an internet-networking site that brings groups together.  There are thousands of types of groups from hiking to book clubbing to bar hopping to business networking, and its meetups are all across the globe.  We`ve only done the local hiking and have had good result.  I`m sure some groups are better than others but its a pretty neat concept. Check it out , if you feel that you could use to be more social and to meet people of like interests.  Some meetups are geared for singles , but the majority are not necessarily so.

 

Now ..That is HOT!!

Real hot today , Went to Day Pond State Park to hang by the water ; the sand burned my feet raw.  I looked very smooth , hop-skipping my way to the water while emitting high pitched yelps reminiscent of a toy poodle.

Travels of a Lunatic

Not really  , I just liked the sound of the title ; May one day need to reuse that to label my life journal.  I did forget my recently prescribed meds at home, realizing this 2 hours too late , but resolved to not become a nut-job this weekend and for the most part was successful.

We decided to try another camping weekend since the last one got cut short.  This time we stayed at Clarksburgh State park in order to kayak Mauserts Pond.  I booked a site that had a direct path to the water that we could run our boats down.  Unfortunately , upon check-in , I found out that I booked sat- mon instead of fri-sun.  I was a little disappointed (bright red with frustration) , but the new unintentionally unmedicated Kevin remained calm , took a site further up and anticipated either moving the next day or negotiating keeping the site with the am guy.
  We set up pretty quickly ; we are old pro`s now...  enjoyed a dinner of Muckies dogs and Lori`s killer pasta salad -In bed by 11am to get up early and Hike.  I drifted to sleep ,  dreaming of our having to move the entire tent ,filled with bedding , clothes and inflatable bed  ; Lori and I on either side, tripping and stumbling our way down the road towards our new site -negotiating camper traffic and folks` morning john ritual  - hampered by our inability to see around our unwieldy , bulky and deteriorating dwelling.....the poles intermittently releasing themselves from their wedges , suddenly snapping straight out and collapsing aspects of the tent structure ,  immediately amplifying the loads width , its hazardous piercing potential and its bearers consternation.
  Awake .... as the birds trumpet in the morning and the cool fog of sleep lifts from my brow ,.... oooh gotta PEE!!!! Nothing like a cold evening in a tent to fill your bladder to bursting.  Unzip the tent - catching it on the fabric every 3 inches , reverse and rezip an inch , and repeat.  Eventually , I stick my feet into the dew filled shoes I left outside the tent and slosh my way to the latrine.
  Camping is Joy :-)
After a nice breakfast of cream of wheat , instant coffee and white chocolate peanut butter sandwich ( it really was pretty good_ We drove up to Mount greylock , stopped at some beautiful views along the way...... At the peak , we began a hike called Thunderbolt  , something or other. Unknowingly , we found It essentially went straight down , a joint jarring 2100 foot drop that would eventually lead to a need to ascend that same distance , creating mathematical harmony but bodily chaos.  I astutely halted our descent approximately 700 feet down when we discovered  these facts , outlined in an unassuming historical placard that was peaking out from overgrown brush ,  which explained the trails original creation and usage as a downhill ski trail ....yeah , the Thunderbolt.  We cried our way back up the mountain, drove further down to a much more manageable trailhead.
 Or so we thought.
We went to Pecks falls which also was a lot of descent ,  leading to a lot of return climbing to do.  We did about three and a half grueling miles.  Its incredible how such a weak force as gravity can be so tiring to overcome. Lori did get to stick her tootsies in the ice cold waterfall prior to the ascent.  I should`ve.  Instead of looping , we hopped onto another trail (the gps showed it was nearby and would intersect near our origin)  , that had some geocaches on it.  I didn`t realize that we would need to descend into a valley , negotiating crumbling switchbacks , crossing the valley stream , and scrambling up the hill to HOP onto this trail.  I mis-read the topo on the gps , seeing that the trail we were currently on and the trail I intended to navigate to , were of the save elevation.  I must`ve missed the part where it dropped the few hundred feet in the span of 100 yards.
Well anyway , the workout was worth it.  We guiltlessly enjoyed some marshmellows on the fire that evening , while I drowned out the neighbors with my Droid`s music and my singing over it , serenading Lori  , despite her protestations.
  The next am , we kayaked Mauserts pond , which is not very large and was choked with water lilies ,  but still made for a nice scenic paddle.  We just missed an airborne animal splash the water as I turned a corner.  I swear I saw movement ,  yet no discernible features or colors.  Just a kind of shimmer of action and then Splash!  We never did figure out what kind of animal it was, though I say it was a flying otter.  After a quick brunch snack we drove home via the mohawk trail , picking up a few quick roadside geocaches.  Lori found most of them.  We ate at Shelburne Falls after a view of the glacial potholes. Lori had an open faced pot roast with gravy and tatoes that was very good.  I had a fish sandwich , with french fries (only the 2nd time I`ve eaten french fries this year)   It was warm and muggy so we skipped the greenhouse like , bridge of flowers.  We did do a quick 1 1/2 mile walk in Ct , at windsor locks canal , to make up for our extravagant lunch.  Its a nice walk along the ct river , or would be if it wasn`t so damn muggy , but anyway.  Thats a wrap , a good weekend.  I came home , took a quick nap on my hammock , and have relented and restarted my missed medication regime as I was a little more testy this weekend than I`ve been in the past medicated few ....I expect to stay on it through to the end of Fall , while undergoing cognitive therapy which has thusfar enabled me to think my way through my fits of anger and bouts of depression.  I intend to cure myself by December , exposing the cold winter season to a cool , calm , and collected Kevin.

Journal Entry - A new Leaf ?

Went camping this weekend , upstate mass , near Mount Greylock .  We stayed in savoy forest. We went despite the pending poor weather since we already rescheduled last week due to lightning storms.  Friday night , Lori and I , for the first time camped together , alone.
 We went up Friday night after work.  I got slightly lost , attempting to find the fastest way there.  The GPS also kept telling me to go some retardedly back-ass-wards way.   I didn`t get overly frustrated , I remained calm.  Eventually found our way , got there with just enough daylight to get the tent installed  , quik tarp contraption hooked up ,and bed blown up. The pump didn`t work unless it was plugged into the running car so I had to drag the bed and fill it up at an awkward angle in the brush.  When finally filled with air ,  It didn`t fit in the tent until I squeezed it and folded it as much as I could and then pushed for all my worth.  I did all this with a smile , I was cool , calm and collected.  We pulled out the bedding , the food , I started a fire despite the wet leaves and lack of kindling , got the grill out and hooked up the propane , we pulled out our clothes and books and lantern and flashlight. Essentially we emptied and installed our entire SUV onto this plot of dirt.  I cooked us up some hot dogs while we relaxed around the blazing fire I made.  We made some smores in it a bit later as we wondered at the multitude of stars.
  We slept pretty good.  Next morning it began to drizzle , we were unsure what the forecast was and had no service to check it on my Droid.  We drove a few miles down the road until I had service , saw that we had rain all day , thunderstorms over night and more rain the next day.  That essentially killed all mountain hiking plans. We decided that one night was a good test and we should pack it in and just do some scenic driving down route 7 towards home.    It wasn`t drizzling anymore like it was when we first considered packing it in.  We broke camp down in an absolute downpour. We repacked our SUV to overstuffed-edness as it is rare that camping gear folds back as neatly and tightly during the return process.
  I write this journal , not to describe our camping trip but to highlight the one difference between this event and the horrific vision Lori had of how this weekend was going to turn out.  That difference was Me , and my handling of the variety of torments.  I did not once , throw a hissy fit , nor have a melt down.  There was not one temper tantrum and I broke nothing.  I did not drive around like a maniac or yell and scream at Lori in frustration.  Nothing was thrown , kicked or punched.   I , through the power of mind , breathed deeply during many of these formerly rage-inducing situations , and resolved them with a calm smile.  I joked and laughed at situations that normally would`ve had me spitting.
  Its only Tuesday , But I was able to keep the same positive state of mind , all week. I`m much happier and hope to be able to keep it up .....forever.

musings of a.... long.... evening

The summer night is warm and thick , it tastes like hope.  No time to sleep , the day is long , the night is longer , restless.  Filled with longing , anticipatory tremblings of what could be.. this time it will be better ; Better than all the rest.  Can`t wait , yearning for it to start right now , it`s been so long.

Long gone is the chill and the grey eves of the interminable winter. The longest I remember , grievously  long.   Not long ago was the absence of hope.  But I smell it now ; sniff it on the warm breeze. I long to embrace it.  Pining the night away ,  I realize I`m not alone. There is scurrying all about me - its still wild , it hasn`t all been cemented over.  There is  life left and I hunger for it.  I want to start right now.  Along these lines , I dream of the dawn to come - a red blush  across the sky. I crave its cleansing brightness.  Its not far away now , even though this night is long.  

Italy Pics

 Venice , Florence and Rome - See Europe Part II 


I will have a page on website with the full europe trip run down soon.  

Took out the Kayaks

Sunday , got out the kayaks and had a nice few hours at bigelow hollow  state park.  Felt good to get out in it for the first time this year.  Our last few weekends kind of sucked.  I didn`t catch any fish but Lori and I saw a blue heron - he hung out while we slowly floated closer.  Got a few good pics.  Did about 3 miles paddling according to the gps.
  We hit a couple of other areas for some short walks and ate a salad picnic (nice chef salad from highland park market) We were going to hike bigleow but right at the mouth of the trail , I got bit at least five times successively by multiple skeeters.  We said screw this and ran away.

  Saturday , we did 3 miles at Salmon River State forest.  I hiked with my fishing rod along the river part of the way; caught a nice looking trout.  We did the trail that loops into day pond but cut the hike short - didn`t have 7 miles in us , and once out of the river area , the hike was not as picturesque ....had a bunch of inclines that didn`t seem to serve any purpose.  Lori has had some nasty hamstring issues for almost a year now , and some of the inclines give her sharp pinchy pains.  She has fought through it for the most part , but if your do the work and climb , at least a good mountain view is in order. None to be had here , so we looped back.  I caught a fish !! Second of the year.

Pictures from London and Paris

I described the visit a few posts ago - (spring is here)

Will have Italy up soon

See the pictures HERE

It was warm today.

A lovely summer day following a few fall days.  The weather is a bit erratic in lovely Ct.  We went out to Margaritas last night with Charlie and Janine ...great company as always... I had a few margaritas and then stayed up too late watching the taped yankee game ...we did win though.

So my plan to go kayaking in Burr Pond didn`t work out as we overslept and then I didn`t feel like setting the car and the kayaks up.  We instead went to Eagleville Falls , did a mile and a half hike near the willimantic river.. We saw a rattle snake...pretty creepy ...I looked it up and it was a timber rattler but I didn`t know they were in that area.  Saw him stretched out , head away from us about 3 1/2 feet long , blackish and rattling away incessantly.  We watched him a good minute   , Lori was freaking ...he slithered off.  Pretty cool.

We did a bit of park hopping just to reacquaint ourselves with the parks this year and plan out future excursions and kayaking. Went by mansfield hollow , did a small walk near there , hit beaver brook and mashamoquet state park ct.  We drove up scenic route 169 to the Vanilla Bean - a bikers haven for some good eats.

We then went to Bigelow Hollow State Park to scout out for our kayaking and picnicking plan tomorrow.  We did a 2.5 mile hike to the furthest , remotest and elusive 3rd body of water there , breakneck pond.  I say elusive because some years back we tried to find it , walked like 2 miles in (we figured out where we missed the proper trail) and were attacked by clouds of bugs , gnats , mosquitos , and other buzzy , biting annoyances. That last time was so bad that we jogged almost the whole way back (we werent and aren`t much for running) flailing our arms and cursing the trail that didn`t lead us to water.  This time , we found it easily , crossed a little boggy area by teetering across a man-made plank , onto a trail that goes around this beautiful , untouched and untamed waterway.  We`d love to kayak here but its a bit too far to drag the boats.. The map shows a road to another end but we couldn`t find it ....It may be a dirt road somewhere , maybe well find it tomorrow.

When we got home , we set up the tent in the backyard just to make sure we still have all the pieces and parts , as it has been a few years since we camped. I intend to do some camping this year in anticipation of our future cross country trip. It a test , to see if we actually enjoy camping , just the two of us.  We usually hit motels or bed and breakfasts on our weekend warrior trips.  I figured , this year , doing some camping could save some money and enrich the experience.  (or it could ruin it)
Anyway , tent went up relatively quickly ...looks good , its quite big for a simple tent with room for 3 people and bags and stuff ...Lori took turns bringing the cats outside and into the tent with us to play.  They were very nervous at first but started to enjoy themselves , being IN the place on the other side of the window inside of a tent , listening to the sounds of people chattering , kids yelling , cars roaring and dogs barking,.  Frocious at one point was so jittery that he climbed up into my shirt and stuck his head out of my sleeve.  He then just plopped down there , for like a few minutes , he had no intention of leaving... kinda cute.

Just ordered a chicken parm grinder and a salad for Lori and I to split from Filomenas down the street and I hear them pulling up ...gnight

A nice day

Went to Kent Falls State Park , always nice ... they put up some new stone sitting area near base of falls .... I thought it used to be all natural ....that kind of is the suck .....but anyway ...Kent is a beautiful area ...we did a nearby hike ...the  AT , about 2.5 miles...then went to Macedonia State Park ...ate Loris` Salmon Pasta salad in front of a rushing creek .... we hiked 1.5 miles there .... on way home , stopped at Mount Tom ---grabbed a blanket ...went by the water ...fished for a minute ...then I took a nap while Lori read and watched the chipmunks and robins chase eachother around..
Gonna take her out for her birthday dinner.  Might do Bin 228 ...wine bar and apps.

Spring is Here !!!

First warm weekend since we came back from Europe. Hiked at Devils Hopyard State park and saw chapman falls , gushing ...with all the rain y`all got while we were on the other side of the pond.

We went to London 4 nights , Paris 4 days , Venice 2 nights , Florence 2 nights and Rome for 4 nights. We had the best time of our entire lives. We saw every landmark , historical area , every kind of architecture , sculpture , famous paintings ...frescoes , dozens of churches big and small , we saw lavish palaces and gardens , climbed a half dozen landmarks for ridiculous views , every corner we turned was a picture to be had (We took over 2000 pics) ... we ate and drank in the slickest cafes , the hopping-est piazzas , and the most famous squares.
I saved for and planned for this trip for two years, whilst self-educating myself for the last decade in all aspects of history , philosophy , literature , politics , and more recently architecture , art and music.
London - we saw parliament , big ben , westminster abbey , climbed the cathedral , was in the whispering walls of st pauls dome murmuring sweet nothings from 20 feet away from eachother , did a tour of and upon the tower of London ...and explored the entire city of London on foot and thru the well designed Tube .... We saw the Rosetta Stone in the British museum , and the Magna Carta in the british library. We saw great works at the National Gallery and Great People of history at the National Portrait Gallery. We visited Buckingham and Kensington palace and ogled the Crown Jewels ...
Paris- saw the flying buttresses of Notre Dame – and marveled at the gothic St Chapelle , Kissed on the Pont Neuf , strolled the Ile St Louis.... We stayed in St Germaine, next to the two most famous cafes in France , les deux magot and Cafe Flore.. these areas were the haunts of french intellectuals such as Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir ...Oscar Wilde ... Hemingway , Fitzgerald , Gertrude Stein lived in these parts and drank in this area...Lori and I spent a couple of our nights there , drinking wine and eating great meals...
We saw the Mona Lisa in the Louvre as well as Rafael , Michaelangelo and other DA Vinci works in the same halls,we viewed the impressionists paintings of Monet , Manet and Van Gogh in the Musee D`orsay.
We went to the Eiffel Tower , lit up at night....all the obvious places and famous works that were supposed to be such a big deal ... REALLY WERE...I thought the Eiffel would bore me , or the small , dark , behind glass Mona Lisa would underwhelm....They did not ...nothing on this trip ..despite the familiarity of their fame ....failed to absolutely awe us in their presence. We went to the Louvre on 2 separate occassions...this is the greatest museum in the world.

We strolled the Champs d'Elysées , The Rodin Gardens , past Hotel Invalides and through numerous market streets ....we saw seedy pigalle and all its sex clubs...and we spent half a day in the Palace and Gardens of Versailles...
we saw Great views by climbing the Arc de Triomphe , Sacre Couer and the Centre Pompidou
We REALLY enjoyed Paris...

We did this trip , well studied on , the architecture we were to see ,the time periods they represent ....baroque , rococo .. the artists and their great works , the sculptures, greek and roman history as well as their mythology , great understanding of byzantine , early and high renaissance , history and art ...some of the symbolism involved in paintings of these times , The history of kings and emperors and the monuments that still worship them....(Napoleon , Louis XIV , The Tudors and the Stuarts....
This may sound a bit like bragging, but one must understand , I truly studied ...on my own , with no prompting , and no pending degree or potential financial reward ....for over a decade .... all the things I should`ve learned in school...and then found myself with the opportunity to visit the lands where all this history happened.. I will soon publish the Italy aspect of our trip which will take us 2000+ years into our history , which inspired the renaissance and the beautiful works that we were able to see 1500 + years later...

Venice ....
Florence ...
ROME.........

The annual day after

Hangovers don`t change much over the years , if anything , they become more severe and debilitating. Despite my advancing age and supposedly increased wisdom, I still find it necessary to inflict upon myself that yearly hangover on March 7th , every year. Like clockwork - Yes , today is that day , it feels familiar. It is as it always is and ever will be.
...Thank you for all your encouragement.

The first day of March and the first warm day

A day like today , the tease of spring , always brings out the longing for the winter to end. I was in good spirits with the sun on my head , shining through my moon-roof , on the ride to work. Workwise- Phones were finally ringing with jobs to schedule .
We finally sent some trucks out that brought in some checks , thats good. Lori and I are completely packed and prepared for our trip - well in advance. There is not a hint of snow in our driveway , and I feel no need to traipse into the dark backyard and lift the wet blue tarp to pull out tonights firewood as the house is holding its own heat without.
March will tease you like this , maybe even most of this month. I assume the late year Nor-easter will arrive the day of our flight. Otherwise , Cheers ... Ciao and Au Revoir.

I have mental problems.

My second bookkeeper in 2 months quit on me , stating that the job is too stressful. This has no bearing on the actual position or the work associated with this position , as I have yet to teach either bookkeeper what the full job duties are.
This is primarily a reflection of my personal attitude and demeanor at work. Despite my 38 years on this planet , I still have a tendency to throw temper tantrums like a frustrated , inarticulate 2 year old. This occasional outburst has apparently branded employment at my company as a Hostile Environment according to the latest bookkeepers unemployment compensation claim.
I spent a lot of time yesterday beating myself up over this. I have since forgiven myself , as I realized I have managed a revolving 20-25 employees over the last 15 years without similar complaint. The majority of my employees , past and present , enjoy(ed) working with me and actually consider me level-headed , competent and fair despite my stressful position.
BUT>.......... I have always known that my volatile temperament , mood swings , mental instability , manic-depressive disorder and anxiety need to be addressed. I don`t know, as of yet , how I`m going to do so without drugs. I already am sleeping , exercising , and eating properly. I need to come up with a new plan.

01/01/10

Jan 1st , 2010 - the beginning of next decade of ALL of OUR lives ..

I have to say , 2010 has not started off with a bang. New Years Eve plans were underwhelming , I wimped out on booking a long ski weekend due to cost and fear of missing out on something cool happening locally (bad call) -
Lori and I went to Hartford for "first night hartford" where there was supposed to be art , entertainment and Happenings to keep us occupied before and after the 6pm fireworks at the park ...we then intended on drinking and eating our way thru hartford until midnight fireworks.
The entertainment at the the state house and the Wadsworth and the Hartford Public library were all kind of hokey and crowded and confusing ...we went to a regular bar coz the cool eats places were closed(tapas on ann , closed , Koji Yakitori -not open yet) , hiked on down to the bushnell , near the soldiers arch and saw some surprisingly good fireworks...that cheered us up and we sped off in the wet and the cold to Agave for some margaritas and made-in-front-of-you guacomole.... a few more margaritas ...some ceviche ....and suddenly its almost 7:30 pm -- only 4+ hours to kill....
So we went home. We picked up some Plum wine and cinnamon ....Lori made a nice crab dip ....and we drank and ate and entertained eachother until 11 ish when we turned on Dick Clarks New Years Eve party. It seemed to Lori and I that Dick Clark looks really creepy , and drugged sounding , he speaks but his face doesn`t move right. I think he is kept in a hyperbaric chamber year-round and only re-animated during New Years specials. I then googled him and found out he had a stroke a few years back , so yeah ...i`m a big Dick for making fun of him...

This AM , slept in a bit and then headed out to Gay City Park in Hebron ct - (yeah , I know ...the park was named in a different time for a man named John Gay...)
We had a quick 2 mile hike ....felt good as we got back to the car until Lori noticed the glass on the ground next to it. The passenger side window was broken in and her pocketbook stolen. THey didn`t touch my wallet , the gps , nor the xm-radio so that was good but Lori`s drivers license , credit and debit cards , some gift cards , and misc. but very important to here pocketbook things and stuff are gone. We cancelled all cards , put credit watches on our names , lined up a glass guy for my car and then we went out and stuffed our faces full of food at little marks bbq ...I haven`t had French fries in over a year (intentionally) and planned on having my 1st plate of fries at this Canadian diner Chez Ben that serves poutine. Unfortunately they are renovating so I had to settle for loaded Tater Tots ... I still reserve my right to have poutine before I resume my dietary ban of all things fried and frenched.
Earlier , I felt like the whole decade was ruined but It is possible that I am being melodramatic. I am confident that there will be many better days than today and a few worse ones over the course of this next decade. That can be said for ALL of US.
I wish any unfortunate soul , who felt obliged to plow through this particularly uninteresting and slightly depressing log , a very happy new year , and better luck than we have thus far experienced.